With all the talk of attachment parenting versus gentle parenting and good mothers versus not-good mothers, one thing really stands out to me. It’s just another example of mother being pitted against mother. The suggestion that there’s one definition of what being a “good” mother is, and that only some of us qualify, is demeaning. And by putting extreme parents on display, it does make it easy to question your own abilities – and for others to do the same.

Mothering has, I really believe, been used as a modern weapon to control women. A university professor of mine once lectured, “You control something by defining it.” As time passes, I realize more and more how true that statement is.

Women themselves are accusing each other of doing it wrong. There’s so much judgment and disdain, including from others who should know just how hard and ambiguous being a “good mother” is. It’s difficult to know who to trust. Which in itself is very dangerous, because not only are we social creatures by nature, but, after all, “it takes a village.”

The bottom line is “good” parenting is what results in healthy, resilient, confident, caring adults. Period. There are lots of actions that are clearly “bad” parenting, and you should avoid them. But in terms of good, there’s a lot of grey. Even though I only subscribe to some of the tenets of attachment parenting, I do believe that moms (and dads) follow it because they want what’s best for their kids. I don’t think they need to be judged, or held up as some sort of aspirational standard, or viewed as anything other than people doing their best. And neither do the rest of us.

But if you feel what you’re doing just isn’t working, and you’re worried that you’re doing it all wrong, come and see me. I promise, you’re doing better than you think you are. We’ll work on parenting together. We’ll find something that fits for your family, that you can can feel good about, based on sound psychological principles and real-world experience. Parenting is hard work, and we’re all doing the best we can. But you don’t have to do it alone.

Hands-on parenting can be too much of a good thing

Is it wrong to ask for help?

When you and your partner’s parenting styles aren’t the same, here’s help

Parenting book recommendations for summer reading!