Building Healthy Self-Esteem In Children
As parents, we want our kids to feel good about themselves. We want them to feel strong, confident, courageous, and resilient. But even our best efforts can backfire sometimes, land we may end up doing or saying things that not only fail to support healthy self-esteem, but actually damage it. This article will explores a few common pitfalls and ineffective ways of building self-esteem. Next time, we’ll look at positive, pro-active strategies you can use to foster your child’s healthy self image.
One common misstep we make is praising our kids. While praise might seem supportive, it can backfire and have the opposite effect we intend. Instead of helping kids feel good about themselves, it can create “approval junkies”—children who rely on external validation to feel worthy. True self-esteem comes from within, not from praise.
Praise can also make kids fear of disappointing Mom or Dad. When kids hear, “I’m so proud of you!” or “Top of the class again! Great work”, they may start to believe they’re only accepted or loved when they meet certain standards. In the worst cases, a child might see the bar as impossibly high and—without enough self-esteem or courage—stop trying altogether. This mindset teaches kids to judge their accomplishments based on others’ opinions, and to work hard just to hear “You’re amazing,” rather than believing in their own value.
You’ve probably familiar with the dangers in helicoptering parenting — hovering over kids and shielding them from every challenge or hardship. It’s tempting to believe that we can protect our children from all negativity or pain, but that belief is both unrealistic and unhelpful. We build physical muscle by pushing past limits, tearing slightly, and healing stronger. The same goes for our “emotional” muscles. Kids need to experience and overcome adversity to build the confidence and capability to take on challenges. When we rush in to rescue them from discomfort or failure, we deny them that growth.
Other behaviours can erode self-esteem too. Comparing kids to their siblings can make them feel unloved or unappreciated for who they are. Criticizing, judging, ridiculing, or dismissing a child also chips away at their confidence, and doesn’t offer any real benefit.
Of course, parents are only human, and we don’t always act in ways that reflect our best selves. This month, start noticing when praise slips into your conversations, when you hover a little too closely as your child takes on something new, or when you catch yourself saying things like, “Why can’t you just…” or “Why can’t you be more like…?”
What’s the difference between encouragement and praise?
Confidence and self-esteem aren’t exactly the same, but they are closely related!