Everybody hurts during a divorce; it’s not easy on anyone. Children react to and cope with divorce differently based on lots of factors: their ages, their relationship with their parents, their personal temperaments, how the divorce is explained to them, how well everybody copes afterward. There’s a great article on parents.com about the impact of divorce on children depending on their age.

Research findings from the journal Family Relations describe three things that parents can do to help their children cope, regardless of their age.

These three things are:

1. “Competent custodial parents and parenting.” This includes everything that good parents do — being there for them, supporting them emotionally, providing discipline, structure and involvement in their lives. Things not to do? Involve your children inappropriately in your own struggles or making them take care of you emotionally. You also want to avoid becoming so stressed and anxious that you can’t be a good-enough parent to your children. 
2. “Contact with nonresident parent.” If the first point is about being a good-enough parent yourself, this point is about allowing your ex-spouse to be a good enough parent, too. Letting your kids know that both parents still love them and will care for them is critical. Active involvement from both parents, both big things like recitals and tournaments, and little things like homework and daily rituals, is something all children need. It can be a challenge when you’re living in two different homes. The bottom line is, though, it’s worth the effort. 
3. “Diminished conflict between parents following divorce.” This one speaks for itself. Don’t let your kids get caught in the middle of your disagreements with your ex. Work hard at a co-parenting plan that works for everyone (most of the time). Know that children do just fine when there are different but equally appropriate care and discipline strategies in each household.

Going through a divorce right now and looking for some support?  Here are two books that have been recommended to me:

Don’t Alienate The Kids! by Bill Eddy

The Truth About Children And Divorce by Robert E. Emery

Struggling and books don’t seem to be enough? Call me. I’d like to help.