Sibling fights are right up there on the list of parental pet peeves. It’s frustrating to hear your kids fighting in another room, and it can be downright agonizing to hear how they treat each other. I remember reading that researchers found kids between the ages of 6 and 12 fight, on average, every 10–20 minutes. Eek. (If there’s a silver lining here, it’s knowing that this happens in every household—not just yours!)

When we consider the goals of misbehaviour, fighting between siblings pretty much always falls into the “attention” category. After all, who can ignore WWIII breaking out in the family room? Your kids know you can’t. They’ve learned to count on your quick reaction to their chaos. As a child, if things aren’t going your way, you know that once Mom or Dad steps in, the playing field levels. Now you’ve got a shot at winning once they decide who’s wrong and what comes next.

One of the best ways of handling sibling fights is to simply stay out of them. Let everyone know at your next family meeting that you plan to stop interfering in their arguments because you trust them to work through their problems. Then follow through. Let them resolve their conflicts, no matter how they choose to do it.

If things escalate and they resort to physical conflict, there’s sometimes value in letting them face the consequences — an effective way of learning that you shouldn’t hit your sister is getting hit right back. But if you do choose to step in, do it differently. Stay calm. Treat everyone the same. Don’t take sides. Offer clear choices instead. Say something like, “I’m taking the toy/game/remote. When you two figure out who goes first or what to watch, come get it from me. I’ll be downstairs making dinner/folding laundry/cleaning the bathroom. If you can’t decide, you’re welcome to come help me.”

This method pushes them to solve their own problems—hopefully through communication and compromise. It also sends a strong message: they’re in this together, and you won’t act as judge and jury. Once they see you as a shared obstacle instead of a referee, they’re more likely to work together and find a middle ground. If they still can’t figure it out, add it to the agenda for your next family meeting. Walk them through basic problem-solving and conflict resolution skills, adjusting for their age. With practice, they’ll start applying these steps to other situations on their own.

This strategy might not end sibling fights entirely, but it will stop most of them from reaching the point where you need to step in. And it’ll save you from having to wade into the middle to rescue everyone.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written about sibling fights!