As parents (and moms in particular), we often have a hard time saying no. Whether it’s to a sleep over we’re not sure we’re comfortable with or whipping up eight unicorn costumes for the pageant on Friday, we often find ourselves agreeing to things that we don’t really want.  

Why does this happen to intelligent, well-intentioned, thoughtful people like ourselves? It often stems from a dislike of letting others down. Saying no feels too much like disappointing. We also may feel guilty about something (raise your hand if you’ve ever experienced Mother Guilt…) and say yes for a reason entirely separate from the issue at hand.  

Sometimes our no is unavoidable. And sometimes we’d like to say no, but end up being convinced to say yes. How can we be kind in the first scenario and be kind while staying strong in the second?

First of all, remember that when you say yes to one thing, you say no to something else. Remind yourself of the bigger picture. Remember what you’re actually saying no to when you agree to something you don’t really want. Think about the message you are sending to your kids, and the patterns and habits that are forming. If you start off by saying no, then change your mind, your children learn that no doesn’t really mean no, it means “convince me.” And that’s what they’ll do from then on. If you want your word to mean something, you need to stand behind what you say.

Perhaps there’s a situation where you aren’t sure what your answer should be. Maybe in that case you really do mean “convince me”. If so, sit down with your child and have a conversation about the situation. See what compromises you can reach. You may still decide that the answer is no, but your child will respond to the respect you’ve shown him and will be less likely to put up as big a fight if he feels that you’ve really heard him out.  

At the same time, don’t feel that you always need to explain yourself. Especially with younger children, lectures and explanations go right over their heads. If the answer is no, that’s a complete sentence. Let it go at that. Don’t let guilt trick you into explaining why you’re making the right decision.  

If there’s an easy compromise available, go ahead and make it. Then it’s up to your child to decide if she’s going to take you up on it. Again, sometimes saying  no is really the only option, but that doesn’t mean there’s harm in suggesting an alternative if one comes to mind.

What behaviours (or manipulations) are the hardest for you to stand up to? Prepare what you’ll say ahead of time, practice it if you need to, and be aware that the tactics our kids use are designed to push our buttons. Keep that big picture in mind. If you need to, kindly but firmly let your child know that the discussion is over, and leave the room. By listening to arguments and persuasion after you’ve made your decision, you tell your child that the subject is still open for debate.  

There will be times when saying no is one of the hardest things you have to do. You can make it easier on both of you by being kind and firm, and not getting roped into a power struggle. When in doubt, remember: no is a complete sentence.

Sometimes Kids Just Need To Hear No

It’s easy to second guess ourselves as parents

Believe it or not, saying no helps kids build self-esteem