People ask a lot of us. Whether they want us to take on a new project at work, bake a dozen cupcakes for the school bake sale, or water their plants while they’re away, we constantly face opportunities to spend our time and energy on someone else’s requests. Not all of these requests deserve a yes — nor can we say yes to everything — but many people still struggle with saying no. We worry about hurting feelings, offending others, seeming unkind or uncaring, getting into a confrontation. Sometimes we find ourselves saying yes simply because we don’t know how to say no.  

That’s a problem. We form unspoken “contracts” with people in our lives. When we say yes every time, we teach them to expect that when they ask, we say yes. Over time, we unintentionally create the impression that we’re always available — that we’re their go-to person. Eventually, saying no becomes harder, not because the request is unreasonable, but because we’ve trained others (and ourselves) to believe we don’t say no.

But this doesn’t mean we should agree to every ask. We need to set boundaries and protect our time and energy — just like everyone else. That’s not always easy. 

Start by asking yourself: Who owns this problem? That doesn’t mean you don’t care or aren’t invested. But sometimes, setting boundaries with people we care about means stepping back and refusing to take more responsibility for their choices or problems than they do. You may find it easier to say no when you remind yourself that you having the resources to help is not the same thing as being obligated to. If you wade into someone else’s dilemma, you might take on more responsibility than you intended — and make it more likely they’ll continue to rely on you as their escape hatch. (There’s that contract idea again.)  

Of course, we should help out when we can. So how do you decide when to say yes? Guilt, anxiety, and fear are terrible reasons. Saying yes from that emotional place usually leads to exhaustion or resentment. But if the request offers a benefit for both you and the other person — like taking on a new project at work to build your network — it might be worth it. If the request feels small and easy — like grabbing a neighbour’s mail — go ahead. And if you simply feel good about saying yes, then do it!  Bake those cupcakes, walk that dog, host that party, lead that team. The key is knowing your boundaries and sticking to them, no matter what others think or where someone else draws their line.

Want more tips on how to say no gracefully? Check out Psychology Today’s article The Hardest Word.

Also, take a look at my Happiness At Home newsletter with 20 tips for Assertive Communication. While it doesn’t focus specifically on saying no, it gives practical ideas for making and responding to requests clearly and confidently — without sounding harsh or confrontational. A great complement to the skill of saying no.

Maybe you see a lack of confidence as your problem; if so, check out this article.

Or perhaps some problem solving skills would help.

Resolving conflicts