When we think about having a sibling for our darling little one, we usually picture all of the great parts of having a brother or a sister: big family holidays, a built-in friend, sharing toys and secrets, defending one another from schoolyard bullies and other childhood hurts.

What we don’t always picture is the shrieking, the bruises, the name-calling. Sibling fighting is no joke.

I read a statistic somewhere – one I can’t quote now, I apologize – that said siblings between the ages of six and 12 fight, on average, six times per hour. That’s a lot of hair pulling! So just know that if you’ve got kids that age, odds are, they’re going to fight. It isn’t just you, and it isn’t just them.

But there are things you can do that will make the having siblings more fun, less fight.  n the flip side, you may also be doing things that make matters worse. Here are a few tips for encouraging a relationship you hope will grow into adulthood.

Stay Calm.

Anger or frustration never makes a problem better. Take a deep breath, think about how you want to respond, then act. If your kids get really worked up and heated, they won’t be able to calm themselves immediately, so you need to provide the calming force.

Coach Them To Solve Their Own Problems.

Put the kids in the same boat, and emphasize that the problem is outside of them, not within one of them. The problem is, “You both want to play with that toy at the same time,” rather than, “One of you isn’t sharing,” or “One of you isn’t taking turns.” When the problem sits outside of both children, they can work together to solve it. When the problem is one of them, that child automatically becomes ‘the problem.” No one likes that label, and it often leads the child to dig in, lash out, and feel hurt because no one understands his point of view. Work with them to find a solution they can both live with.

One-On-One Attention.

The number one reason siblings fight is to get attention from their parents. Have you noticed that as soon as you get busy, all of a sudden they stop playing well and start attacking each other? One way to address this is to spend special, one-on-one time with each child. Ideally, spend a few minutes each day with each of your kids. It doesn’t have to be a big production: a few minutes before bed or right after school, a quick game or chat after dinner, a little play date while a younger sibling naps. Consistency and full presence matter most. Your kids thrive on this attention.

Don’t Compare Them.

This is a big one for kids. Comparisons upset kids deeply. Comparing them to siblings makes things even worse, especially since they already compete for resources at home like parental attention and recognition. They’re also trying to figure where they fit in, at home and in the world while building their own identities. Comparisons undermine all of that.
Each of your children is unique. Equality doesn’t mean sameness, and no one wins in those comparisons.

Family Meetings. 

The number-one tool for resolving sibling conflict!  Put all the problems between your kids on the agenda and work through them together. Family meetings build problem-solving skills, communication, negotiation, listening, and teamwork. Post an agenda somewhere visible, like the fridge, and let everyone add to it during the week as issues come up. Once a week, sit down together and work through the list. Kids follow rules and consequences more willingly when they help create them.

I have also heard that the number-one reason that adult siblings struggle to get along is how their parents treated them during childhood. Let that sink in for a moment: you play the biggest role in determining how close your kids become as adults. That’s huge.

Keep these tips in mind, and stay focused on the long-term relationship you want them to have. You have more influence here than you might think.

More ideas on how to stay calm under stressful circumstances here and here and here and here.

Here are problem solving steps the whole family can use, in and out of family meetings.

There are tips for resolving conflicts in this article, which are a bit more relevant for older families.

Here’s why it’s important to spend quality, individual time with each of your children.

Instead of comparing our kids to each other, try encouragement to help each of them develop their own unique talents and viewpoints.

Read more details on how to establish Family Meetings.

More tips on managing Sibling Rivalry here.