If you’re the parent of a tween, you may see parents with younger kids, out for a walk at the mall or on their way to school, the little ones willingly reach for Mom or Dad’s hand…and cry a little on the inside. You may find yourself butting heads with your 10 year old and think, What happened to the little guy who was easily distracted by a hug and a game of Uno? Gone are the days when you begged the kids to play in the other room because you needed some peace and quiet! Now you’re the one being shooed away. Sigh. We knew they would grow up, but did it have to happen so soon??

We expect teens to be much more connected to their friends than in their parents. But friends are not a good replacement for parents. We need to stay connected, even if that connection evolves. And that evolution starts well before they actually hit the teen years.

Step one: spend some good time together. Between homework and racing kids to activities, disconnection is easy. Start by ensuring that not every interaction you have is a negative one. If the only time you really seem to have their attention is when you’re disciplining them, you’ve got a problem. A few kind words in the morning, leaving little love notes for each other, a little chat over tea in the evening, interesting discussions at the dinner table, and turning off the tv and the electronics during all those windows take little time, but pay back dividends in a relationship. Building in regular time with you and your family gives you something in common. Try weekly game nights, perhaps lessons in a sport you can do as together, volunteering, and family dinners.

Get to know your kids’ friends. If you don’t know who your tween’s best friend is, make a point of learning, pronto. Including friends in some of your fun family outings is generally painless and informative.  

And as far as that goes, find out more of your tween’s other “favourites”. Nothing makes a kid sigh louder than having his parent go on about his favourite food/tv show/singer/movie, when that favourite was so last year. Clinging to an idea that’s outdated could lead him to feel that you really don’t get him at all. Be curious about your kids and their evolving ideas and tastes. Little things help kids to know you’re really on their side, and that you’re ok with the independence they’re developing.

Your child is growing into an adult, so don’t be afraid to change the way you relate to him or her. Try sharing more of yourself. Talk about your day, what your “favourites” are, what you’d really like to do over the next year. This doesn’t mean talking to her like you would your best friend, but you might be pleasantly surprised by the insight and personality that’s developing in your not-so-little one. And the relationship you cultivate now will keep you more connected in a few years when she’s just that much older.

More ideas to foster your relationship…

Listening To Our Kids

Parenting your teen with less stress (works for tweens too!)

Family meetings are a great way to stay connected

Teens needs their parents