Kids are sensitive, especially to anything their siblings get. This could be attention, money, dessert, chores…the list is endless. How many times does a parent have to hear, “It’s not fair!” before they lose their cool?

Most of us make an effort to not favour one child over another, or to not give one more and one less. This effort at keeping the balance can contribute to the problem, though. If we are trying to be “fair,” it sends the message that fairness is important. This makes kids hyper-vigilant to fairness. (In their eyes, of course. It’s easy to “forget” about the things that you have received when you see your brother eating a bigger piece of cake). We unintentionally pit our kids against one another, and encourage competition and comparisons, when we try to make things fair. Which in the long run works against our vision of a cooperative and loving family.

There are going to be times in your family’s life when you will spend more time and attention on one child over another. When someone is sick or needs special help with a project or has the potential to compete in the Olympics, it’s very likely that the child will get more of whatever you have to give: time, attention, or money, for example. While we don’t want to devote all of our resources to one child and neglect the others, we need to teach our children that it all balances out in the end. There’s no need to keep score, because they will also receive what they need, when they need it. It just happens to be their sibling’s turn right now.

So how do we respond to, “But he got more than me!”? Don’t check the ruler your child has produced to prove her point. Instead, try saying, “What matters to me is if you got enough for you. Would you like more to eat?”  

Or perhaps there are complaints because one of your kids needs something special like clothing, shoes or sports equipment. The others aren’t getting an equal amount of money spent on them. You can let them know that of course, if they need something, they’ll get it, just like their brother is now.

Encourage your children to not see your family resources as a scale, with equality being the ultimate goal, but instead more of a balancing act. Balancing requires constant calibration, and adjusting to the environment. As a family, we all get what we need, and we all look out for each other. In the end, that’s what benefits all of us. 

When a preoccupation with fairness leads to sulking

When your kids always want more, more, more

How to manage sibling rivalry