If there were a 12-step program for television, my daughter would have made a prime candidate as a preschooler. I could really have used tips for managing children’s screen time with family-based solutions, not power struggles back then. Given the opportunity, she would watch the tube most of the day. Of course, this isn’t a new or unique problem. Rudolph Dreikurs, author of the classic parenting book Children: The Challenge devoted a whole chapter to “meeting the challenge of TV.” He warned parents about the perils of “passive” entertainment and criticized the abundance of poor-quality programming, or “trash,” on the air. Mealtimes, bedtimes, and family time have all been disrupted, he wrote, leading to fighting and tension at home.

By the way, he wrote that book in 1964.  Apparently, not much has changed.

One thing that has improved is the selection of quality kids’ programs. But most of us have to admit that our kids still watch more screens than they “should.” And sometimes, screens end up acting as electronic babysitters. With screens everywhere — not just sitting in one room of the house — and endless episodes that roll into the next, we now face a challenge Dreikurs could never have imagined.

As parents, we might feel we need to do something to manage the TV situation. But in truth, the whole family shares this problem. This is a great discussion for a family meeting: How much screen time feels appropriate? What shows are acceptable? How can we balance screen time with homework, chores, and bedtimes? Instead of letting Mom or Dad lay down the law, Dreikurs encourages parents to ask, “What is to be done now?” Invite your child to help create the solution.

He also shares valuable insights about fighting with our kids over what they can and can’t watch. As soon as we ban a particular program, that’s all our kids can think about. This is a great opportunity to help our children develop critical thinking skills. Watch some of these questionable shows with your kids, then talk about them afterward: What did you think of that? Did you agree with the choices the characters made? How do you think the others felt? What else could have done? This is not an opportunity to “correct” your child’s thinking, but rather to ask open-ended questions to explore new perspectives. 

If a show feels so inappropriate that you can’t bring yourself to watch it with your kids, bring it up in conversation instead. Keep in mind that banning something often makes it even more appealing, and there’s a good chance they’ll find a way to watch it anyway. By discussing it, you can demystify the show and take away its “forbidden” appeal. When the screen no longer fuels a power struggle, it starts to lose its grip and managing children’s screen time becomes a lot easier.

In the end, television only holds as much power as we give it. Remember my daughter the junkie? There was only one thing captured her attention more than the tube: spending time with her family. She would cheerfully run off and leave the TV forgotten for a chance to go to the park with us, to the store, to the kitchen to do some baking. As always, the strongest influence in a child’s life isn’t hours of uninterrupted screen time—it’s the undivided attention of their family.