As parents, we’re all familiar with toddlers declaring, “You’re not the boss of me!” But more and more, we’re seeing this attitude show up in kids of other ages as well. On top of that, many of our usual parenting strategies just don’t seem to be working anymore. Parents often feel shocked by how their children talk to or treat them. A common phrase I hear from clients is, “I would never have spoken to my father that way!” or “I would never have dared do that when I was his age!” What gives?

A global shift has changed how we treat each other as human beings, and that shift has reached our children too. I heard one Steven A. Maybell , one of the authors of the book Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World, speak on this topic, and he offered a clear explanation of what has changed for kids over the past few generations. He explained that human relationships have always been based on a “one up, one down” dynamic, meaning someone held authority, and someone else submitted to it. If we look back a hundred years, across nearly every social group, we see a clear hierarchy:

• Dictators – citizens
• Employers – employees
• Caucasians – people of colour
• Men – women
• Dad – Mom – kids

But huge changes have occurred, in all these areas.  There’s a trend toward democracy in government and although not every country has embraced it fully, people around the world increasingly accept it as the most humane structure. Labour laws and unions have reduced the unchecked power employers once held. Race relations have improved; although racism still exists, society and the law no longer tolerate it openly. The women’s movement has made huge strides toward equality between men and women.  

Parenting may remain the only area where that “I’m in charge” mentality may still linger. The problem is that everywhere kids turn, they see equality. They have few role models for obeying without question.  In no other area of life do people expectoothers to follow leaders meekly, and children absorb this reality instinctively. No one has to tell them they have equal rights—they sense it because they see no other way to relate to others.

And the pendulum may have swung too far in the other direction. Children today understand they have power, but they lack the experience or maturity to use it wisely. Kids today have been empowered to speak their minds and expect to be treated with the same respect that we’re asking for as parents.

This is why the old parenting strategies don’t work. This is why your parents or perhaps grandparents shake their heads when they hear how you to talk to your kids. From their perspective, your approach creates children who “don’t know their place.” But the problem is, that “place” doesn’t exist anymore.  That’s why punishment, rewards, and “because I said so” fail to work the way they once did.

Our world continues to change, and as parents, we must change with it. We can’t realistically return to a rigid, vertical model of human relationships. Equality has become a permanent part of society, so we need to adapt our parenting strategies to prepare our children for the world they live in now. Children who blindly accept an adult’s authority and obey without question face greater risks later in life—from predators, peers, or employers.

 This doesn’t mean that the kids should be in charge. Today’s kids still need leaders (i.e. you) but they need leaders who model respect and intentionally teach essential skills.  When parents teach problem-solving, communication, respect for others, and self-advocacy in meaningful ways, children gain the tools they need to thrive in today’s world.

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